I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
thus making me awesome and them whores
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
