More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
