I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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