I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
