Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
