No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
whose parrot is this?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize