I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I will pee on everything he values.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
