I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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