his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize