So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
i out mim tonsoeep
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