After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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