I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
