I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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