Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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