They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
