i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Text me some of your sweat
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