um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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