I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
this boner is exhausting
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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