This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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