I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
