I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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