He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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