DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize