Are we in a gay sports bar?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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