never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
