k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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