Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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