Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
