these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
