Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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