My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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