We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize