I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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