I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
