i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
