Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
