At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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