she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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