dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
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