Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
