Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
