How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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