You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize