just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
