my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
