Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
the raccoons are back...
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