Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
