he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
