I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
i out mim tonsoeep
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