I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
