Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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