Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
