Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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