you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
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