I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
