Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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