I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize