He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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