i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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