i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
