I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Well I just put wine in my tea
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
