I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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