2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
