T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
