I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
