I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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