Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
