What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
