Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
