so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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