Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
