Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
