so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
