I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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