Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
