She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
