I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize